Confessions

These are my Confessions: (if for some reason you didn't burst out into Usher's lyrics then we cannot be friends.. thanks, bye!)

I'm insecure. This is really weird because I'm an extrovert. I've grown to understand that my outwardness can be a mask for my insecurities, but to what extent that applies to me - I'm not sure. Here are a few of my insecurities:

My Body

I'm insecure about my body - I've been the skinny girl who was nicknamed mosquito, to the fat(ter) friend that guys asked 'whose your friend?' to - not about. It took years of internalising my physical appearance was not anyone's business. The way I look does not harm anyone, or cost anyone money - so why should it matter what THEY think about how I look? Though it's hard remembering this, because the reality is people judge us based on how we look. I love my body, and the way I look for me, but my insecurities deal with how I come across to other people. How am I dealing with this? I'm keeping fit - the body I have now, is pretty damn sexy - so I'm maintaining it/toning it, to look good in the clothes I like. I'm still bigger than most of my friends, and sometimes that makes me feel 'fat', but I constantly remind myself that I'm not, and even if I am - I can shed it through hard work. What I won't do is kill myself in the gym. And even if I couldn't, again, I'm not killing anyone.

My Work

I'm also insecure about my writing. I STILL let the 'what if's' get to me. What if they don't like it? What if they don't read it? What if no one learns from it? I know, I know, hypocritical me. My debut post talks about battling those things yet here I am. I've learnt that this is a daily battle I must fight and win each and every day I remind myself that I'm doing this for me more than anything. I write what I can and work with that till I've got something I''m pleased with. After all, I'm sharing my experiences - that can't be to the taste of others if they are what I've lived. If you don't like it.. well imagine how I felt. Truth is, not everyone will read these posts, and some of the people who will read it, have no clue who I am, so I just need to keep writing what I feel needs to be written.

My Voice

Another thing that I'm conscious about is my voice. The irony is that I have the tendency to be a loud person. In my past (up until 18 months ago) I've been the loudest person in the room. When in a group discussion, my voice can instantly take over - BUT when it has mattered, I haven't spoken up for myself. . It has affected me in relationships and friendships - as I've previously let people walk all over me. This meant that I was an 'easy target' in high school, and that I still have people who try to walk over me. I've learnt that true friends understand this about me and never use it to their advantage. The people who do, aren't good people and therefore don't deserve a spot in my life. Another ironical thing is that my voice is actually nice (so I've been told by multiple people) so I should be confident in speaking literally and what I'm saying.

These are some of the multiple reasons why ToniVerse exists. This is where I will speak my truth, say my own, shout and use my voice and I hope to inspire others to do so as well. Life is hard enough being a black woman who faces oppression on the basis of her gender and race... I should oppress myself any longer.

I've written a few posts in between the debut and this one, but this one feels more important. I feel like I need to let you know who I am first. Even in that I've struggled with this post because I've felt that people don't want to hear this - but this is my truth.

What I've done here is not only tell you my insecurities, but also how I'm understanding and dealing with them. The truth is, we ALL have insecurities. Some people only hate their toes, others hate their entire body. Some people hate their figurative voice, others can't stand their literal voice -(is there anyone that actually likes the way they sound on a recording?). All these things we don't like about ourselves are projected as insecurities and we must continue to fight the battle to overcome them. Whether we eventually do or don't, I'm not sure, I don't know. We all battle insecurities, but victory is won daily by showing up and showing them out? What are some of your insecurities?