Starting anything is the hardest thing ever. This brand, this website and most especially this post. I've never been able to find the perfect words to ease people into my world and expose my self and my vulnerabilities. There's no perfect language that can be used to throw your flaws in anyone's face. You can't soften the blow of imperfection - or can you?
ToniVerse started as just a blog about 10 years ago and moved across various platforms. I raised my profile, but I was overcome by lack of self-confidence, low drive and finally overwhelmed and gave in. I'd post here and there, but I wasn't getting the love or support I felt I should, so with time the poet in me faded.
What is, is never lost...
I still refered to myself as a poet even though my last poem that I appreciated was in 2014. I forced a couple here and there but nothing worked. This combined with the fact that I struggled with personal demons and mild depression. However, I was still a poet. My life was stagnant - in employment, in growth, in faith, in love, in creativity - in all areas. I had hit a road block and there was nowhere for me to turn to. Writing was my standard escape but even that was suffering. I'd let negative thoughts consume me and I almost accepted that I was nothing. Nothing but a poet.
I can't tell you the lightbulb moment I had, I can't tell you the TedXTalk I watched, or the book I read, or the friend I moaned to or the journal I revisited or the song I CRIED to that made me realise that life was NOT for me. I just know one day I decided to change it. I decided to make the change to be the person I want to be - the best version of me.
I worked on my faith and then on myself - from mental to physical. Everything was in the workshop. I took time to mend, heal, fix, repair all damages I could see and feel and with time progress came. There were moments where that stagnancy still felt like it was in control, but over time, I learnt that I had power over my mind.
I was very open about my journey, so when things started to turn around for me people could see. People asked 'what are you doing?' What did you do? I always wanted to say 'It's God oh', because while I strongly believe that's true, I must give credit to myself for wanting and making myself available. There are many things that happened, and many emotions I felt that many people around me felt, and the more I opened up honestly - the more people opened up to me. I found out that there are way to many people going through struggles - in fact EVERYONE has their own battle.
Remembering in my struggles that I have a voice, and speaking to people about mine reignited something inside me. I soon found myself speaking with strangers about problems that I could always relate to. I'd always heard that I wasn't alone, but this felt different. I wanted these people to know and feel this too. I wanted everyone to know and feel this to. So I came back to my tool created a decade ago, with my new found voice and here I am today.
Today, I pledge to be as open and honest as my heart can take. I hope to speak on all my battles, and help anyone fight through theirs. I want people to know that they aren't alone and that there's way out. I want to speak up for those with small voices, speak out for myself and speak loud to be heard. Through ToniVerse I will offer encouragement and support. In poetry and writing - I will join you in combat. So when the feel the Universe is against you, you can find solace in ToniVerse.
Welcome to ToniVerse!